In quoting the excellent Radiohead song “Creep”, I ask myself – “what am I doing here? … I don’t belong here”. This question is posed to myself whenever I have considered blogging. I always wonder what I could possibly have to say that would make people interested in reading what I have to write. And the answer to Thom Yorke’s question is very simple – I am scared to write something and post it on the internet, so therefore I MUST DO IT.
I am scared a lot of the time, and I am only just starting to realize this as I reach the ripe old age of 22. I have lived a life that is more comfortable out of view of the world for quite some time and this has been interspersed at times with moments where I “try” – where I get up in front of people and I shine. Sometimes this goes well and people give me compliments and I am happy. Usually though, my attempts to express myself are met with a lot of negativity and criticism – leading me to run away with my tail between my legs and vow to never have to show my “face” again. Even those times where I am complimented, I almost certainly meet criticism at some point which makes it even harder to deal with because I had been built up a little bit.
Due to this, I have a distaste for “trying”, so I try to act cool when I don’t want to exert myself for fear of failure. I tell people that if I really wanted to, I would have done that thing that would impress everyone – but I don’t, because I “don’t care” that much.
This sort of thinking has also led me to an almost addiction to having everything “be in its place” and not shaking things up. I always want things to be perfect, so when things are at this illusory perfection, I am “happy”… that is until anything that challenges the ego comes along and I go spiraling down a self deprecating tunnel of negativity in my own mind.
So why am I here? Because life is chaos, life is imperfection, life is meant to be a struggle. I have made it a habit of mine to pursue that which scares me. Everyday, I will do just that one thing that makes me quietly whisper to myself as anxiety builds up within me – “..fuck…well… here we go”.
I have been doing this habit for a couple months now and I must say, I have never felt so alive and so excited to see what opportunities come my way as I break past my fragile ego and self imposed limitations. I have also never understood so much about my limited paradigm of the world until these recent times.
This blog isn’t meant to make me famous and rich (although, if that happens, I definitely won’t complain). This blog is here so I can express myself and be challenged every day. I want to be criticized and take the constructive advice and forget the useless negativity. I want to sharpen my mind through writing. I want to learn how to blog and work this wordpress thing and other crap related to it. (should one curse on a blog?… ah fuck it. I’ll do what I want).
So I hope you, my dear reader, will get a kick out of me bumbling around here on the internet and I hope you’ll enjoy some of what you read and I hope you’ll come back. Mostly though, I hope that maybe you’ll get inspired enough to choose to start questioning the validity of your own fears.