The Super Smooth Guy’s Guide to Falling Flat on your Face

I’ve barely spoken to her since.

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What the hell happened? It was going so well. The way I started talking to her went flawlessly. I knew she was into me. I just had to play it cool. I just had to remain that Super Smooth Guy that first got her number.

You ever have that happen to you? Everything seems to be going perfectly and you just need to let the cards fall where they will but you watch yourself, yes, that’s a good term for it, “watch yourself” say that thing you shouldn’t say, do the one thing that will screw everything up.

Ah, well. Live and learn. That’s the point of my “scare yourself habit”. Everyday I do something that scares me. Something that gets me out of my comfort zone, really “shakes shit up” as the kids say these days. Make mistakes, fall down, make more mistakes, make myself look like a complete ass. Then realize at the end that none of the pain, awkwardness and embarrassment that was felt really had any power over me. Learn the lesson that is needed to be learnt and move on.

So here it is;

The Super Smooth Guy’s Guide to Falling Flat on your Face.

Well the year was 2013, a brisk time for a young lad like myself. I’m a business major and I decided to try classes outside of my “expertise” so I found myself taking a critical thinking class because I thought I could use some more thinking that could be considered “critical” in my day to day business. And that’s where I saw her.

She was in my class. I’ll call her Critical Thinking Girl. Beautiful girl. Nice fair skin, kind eyes, sexy smile. Who was she?

  1. The kind of girl you find yourself paying more attention to in class than the teacher.

2. The kind of girl you just always happen to find yourself sitting in a seat close to.

3. The kind of girl that you’ll look around to see if she was impressed after you gave a good answer to a teacher’s question.

I had a couple interactions with her before the day it all began.

Once I asked her if I could use her laptop to check the essay grades that were put up. Kill two birds with one stone, find out grades and make casual conversation with this girl that could end up with me getting a number. At least that’s what I thought..

While I’m loading up the test results, my mind is racing to find something to say to this girl once I have to give her the computer back. Something that will make her crazy for me, make her rip off her clothes in the middle of the class and scream “just take me”. My classmates will watch and applaud as we make intimate love and the teacher will announce during the ruckus caused by our passion that he will be rewarding me bonus points on the paper that I was about to find out I got a B- on.

“Thanks”.  I awkwardly smile as I hand her the computer back.

“Yea, no problem”

Silence on my part. I turn back around. I got nothing. My grade was still a B-.

Super Smooth Guy didn’t show up that day. I was hoping he would but he comes and goes as he pleases sometimes. But the story doesn’t end there. No, my friends, it was just beginning.

A couple weeks later, I find myself sitting right by Critical Thinking Girl once again in the middle of the class. I was doodling in my book. She was doodling in her book. Are you thinking what I’m thinking??Yes. That’s right; We’re soul mates. This is meant to be.

Suddenly, I have a flash of insight. What if I invited her to doodle with me? That’s cute right? GIrls love that shit. Plus it will show that I am in touch with my inner child. Perfect.

It’s funny how fear works on the mind when you are faced with a decision you are nervous about. All I have to do, is draw something funny, write a cute note on it and invite her to draw. That’s it. Worst thing that can happen is she just laughs it off and doesn’t really respond.

Well, that’s not the scenario that was playing out in my head. It all happens in slow motion. I slip her the note. She opens it up and a face of pure disgust and contempt comes over her as her lips start slowly forming the words “fag“. Then the class finds out what’s going on and gets in on the action and starts chanting “Mahyar Is a Fag”  and I’m laughed out of the class. Then the teacher takes away points from my previous paper. Now I’m at a C-.

Woah, snap out of it Mahyar. Alright, so none of that happened. In fact, it went beautifully. I take out a little piece of paper, draw a duck on it that is saying “I challenge you to a drawing contest”. I slipped her the paper when the teacher wasn’t looking. Like a ninja.  She laughs and draws something back and she can’t wipe the smile off of her face.

After the class I asked her for her number. In case she ever wanted to study. I slipped that last part in and then almost immediately I took it back.

“To be honest, I don’t really want to study with you”

“I didn’t think so” She smiles as she writes down her number on the paper.

WOW, that worked?!” I keep asking myself. I feel really good. I felt like Zac Efron. It went so well. Too bad I just had to keep on pushing.

Not too long later, we are texting. If i remember correctly, it’s the night before our first test in the class.

I ask her to come hang out to study. I know this is a bad idea. I need to study. If she comes over, most likely a lot of studying won’t be done. But I don’t always make the best decisions.

She tells me she can’t but she wants to procrastinate the work she’s doing so she wants to talk. Our talking turns into casual flirting and she actually seems like a pretty cool girl. Pretty down to earth. I tell her she’s sexy and she tells me not to call her that because she sees herself as a “cute nerd” and thus, being called sexy doesn’t fit her persona. I make fun of her and we end up having a great conversation.

She starts asking about me. “You’ve learned a lot about me tonight, so tell me more about you”. Mind you, this is two in the morning and I got a test the next day but I was having fun so I decided to stay up.

I talk a little about myself and then I explain my habit of scaring myself. She’s very intrigued and starts asking me what I did today. I tell her.

Now, this is the part that I could’ve done without. I was testing my limits as they say. I wanted to see how far I could push the conversation. Plus, I always thought girls appreciated guys that were straightforward and honest.

You know, one thing I have trouble doing and sometimes scares me, is telling people how I really feel… So I’ll admit it now…..I texted you because I would love to have sex with you and that’s why I asked you to come over tonight”

It was one of those texts that you type out just trying to see what it would look like and then you find your finger slowly move over to the send button and then.* Click*. Sending. It’s like I didn’t have control over my hand as I sent that text.

She quickly responds that that was obvious and it’s cool but she’s not that type of girl. She says that she would like to remain friends if that’s what I want but if not “that’s cool too”.

I quickly respond that I don’t want to be friends but I’d like to get to know her more. From there the conversation slowly deteriorates; She says that I should excuse her because she’s not sure what to say. After all, she has never experienced a guy blatantly tell her that he wants to fuck her without being friends or anything. ” ….Did I say that? Wait…. no, that’s not how I…. I meant……I don’t think… shit” I went from having a fun conversation with a cute girl to doing some crazy acrobatics where I bent my leg backward and forward and managed to get it stuck in my mouth.

It also didn’t help that I was so lax to return the texts when she responded. I took a shower. I went to sleep.. for a good 8 hours (as part of a balanced healthy lifestyle). Responding 8 hours later never helps any cause. Things get settled in. Minds are made up about certain decisions. Like the decision she made about me, and it wasn’t good.

We didn’t talk much after that. And it upset me a little when I realized that she probably wasn’t going to talk to me again. I tried to apologize if I came off acting like a douchebag. I told her that’s not really who I am and I’d like to change her perception of me (My female friends helped me understand that girls HATE it when guys do that). She didn’t respond.

Every once in a while we’ll make eye contact in class, but she would quickly turn away… Damn.

So there you have it. The Super Smooth Guy’s Guide to Falling Flat on your Face… and then getting back up.

No I don’t regret saying what I said and trying the things I did. Not at all. I got to meet a cool girl for a little while and even get out of my comfort zone. That’s a win/win for me.

All the fears and anxiety that was felt was created by my mind and it was good to show myself that I am the one in control. NOT my fear.

And in the end, I must say good bye to my sweet Critically Thinking friend, I guess my thinking was not critical enough for you.

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