My Break Up Letter to Porn

I would like to share a tragic love story with you today. 

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I ended it with “her” almost a year ago now and in the wake of my decision, I wrote a letter to my former sweet and guilty pleasure. I’ve decided to publish it for you all. I thought it would be more telling of what I really experienced and how our love slowly deteriorated.

So without further ado I give you: My Break Up Letter to Porn

My dearest pornography,

Woe is me for this letter is not of the happy sort. I’m going to cut the Shakespearean shit and just get to the point. I’ve been thinking a lot about “us” lately and I think it’s time that we end this silly fling we have going.

Don’t let anyone tell you any differently – this is most certainly because of you. You’ve become like a bad drug for me and I am here to tell you that I am done. I have come to realize that I will be a better man/better person without you in my life.

Let me get some things clear. You may be wondering why this is all happening. This all started when I stumbled upon an online discussion about the negative effects of porn on the brain. The science behind it was simple. Men and women alike release more dopamine, the feel good chemical, into their system when faced with new and novel experiences, namely sexual encounters. This is called the Coolidge effect, and it is normal. It just means that over time, men, more often than women, will get bored if there is no sexual novelty but as soon as something different comes into the picture, some new partner perhaps,  the energy and the stamina comes back to them and they are ready for another go. But with the advent of you, my dearest, 24/7 pornography has people all over the world depleting their dopamine levels to the point where much like an addict, they are always looking for the next “high”. Thus leading to, in many cases, unsatisfactory sexual experiences and even erectile dysfunction.

It didn’t take much to convince me that it was the end of the road for us. It was something I knew deep down in my heart.. so deep it was touching my balls. You weren’t satisfying me anymore. As you know about me, my love; once I make a decision that something is not working for me, I drop it quickly. Like when I found out soda is bad for me. It didn’t matter whether or not I got chinese food 3 times a week always combo’d  with a bottle of Dr. Pepper. As soon as I “saw the light” I stopped drinking soda faster than the guy behind the counter at Wong’s Noodle Town could whip up my order and tell me it costed “ereven dahrras”. It seems as though our love  may have a similar fate.

I don’t want you to go away from this thinking it was all bad. No, we had some really beautiful times together. I became the man I am today because of the wonderful and sometimes really disgusting things that you exposed me to.

Ah, I can remember it like it was just yesterday. It all started when I was a young lad. You were very simple for me then; a couple magazines, half naked pictures of Jennifer Lopez. Oh, the joy I experienced with you when we were alone together.

Don’t even get me started on the day I first caught the magnificent glimpse of the art of masturbating. Do you remember that day, love? My older brother unknowingly helped propel our relationship to new heights. While making fun of me,  he stopped and made some joke about me jerking off. What happened next has stayed with me and become a sacred part of my life today. He touched his thumb to his other fingers in his right hand, like how a spartan would wield a spear before battle, and proceeded to move his hands up and down in the air in a motion I had never seen before. “What is this wizardry?” I asked myself silently. I later practiced this magic when I was by myself. I had found the holy grail. 

And you. Well you helped me drink from it.

Of course, no one could know about you. My parents would never understand. So I hid you. I still remember when I put you at the bottom of one of the wooden drawers in my room. To make sure I didn’t forget where you were and partly to make myself feel like I was on a treasure hunt every time I looked for you, I carved the letters P, O, R, N respectively into each corner of that drawer. It would take Tom Hanks and the rest of the Da Vinci Code crew to be able to crack that code. God knows where my cleverness has gone since those days.

Then when you grew up to be the vivacious internet seductress that you have become today, I hid you behind locked doors, muted volumes and cleared browser histories.

Oh what fun we had! Remember those times you would make me question my sexuality when I worried I was staring at those “ripped dudes” for too long?  Such great memories were made.

You kept me warm and safe during those days in high school when girls wouldn’t talk to me and you kept me company when my friends and I failed to “get pussy” as we scoured the college streets of Buffalo, NY. You were my medicine for that lonely walk home. You were my sleeping pill. You were my addiction.

When girls started paying attention to me, you gave a boost to my creativity and imagination. We would try things that you had shown me and in the heat of the moment when I was reaching the brink of explosion thanks to your guiding images I would think to myself “uhh.. oh yea… ahhh…..ARGHHHHHHh…………. wow….I’m tired”.

It was really romantic.

So thank you for all of these wonderful blessings you have bestowed upon me.

But the damages are starting to outweigh the benefits of my being with you. I hate to say it, porn my dear, but you were never my true love. You were never my “bottom bitch” as they say. Real sexual intimacy is what I have always desired and you not only weren’t the real thing, you created problems for me when I encountered the real thing. You have fucked up my perception of sex and women so bad that I am trying to pick up the pieces of it now.

Time seems to just disappear when we’re together. I’ll get lost in you for what seems like ten minutes and then I’ll wake up hours later in what seems to have been a bad coma. And it’s not time well spent either. I can’t even stand to look at you OR myself after we’re finished. 

You even misconstrued my perception of reality outside of the bedroom. Do you remember when I made in-home  presentations to folks for the kitchen knives I was selling? Imagine my surprise when I NEVER once experienced a lonely middle aged housewife who opened the door in only her bathrobe. Imagine how I must’ve felt when at the end of the presentation she didn’t make some excuse about not having enough money but could think of other ways to repay me as she slowly and gently opens up her robe and starts rubbing my thigh. No bad sexual innuendos like “let me see how sharp YOUR knife is” were ever made to me. My disappointment with you knew no bounds.

And worst of all, you scattered my mind when I was in the midst of a beautiful sexual encounter. I couldn’t focus on the beautiful girl in front of me. I was ungrateful because of you. Real life doesn’t offer you buttons to see “slutty asian group sex”, “bit tit milfs” or “pterodactyl porn” whenever you get bored with what you’re experiencing. But that’s all I could think about while our love lasted. I was always left unsatisfied. With the real and with you.

So with that, it is time for us to part, my dear. And as much as you have hurt me, I wish you well and I hope you remember the good times we had. The laughs we shared. The really embarrassing memories that we’re made.

But I know you’ll be ok. There are 900 million other men vying for you affection everyday. I just hope they treat you right.

Love always,

Mahyar

I wrote that letter almost a year ago. So where am I at now? I can honestly say I am no longer in a relationship with pornography. It wasn’t so hard to quit. Once I realized how much time and peace of mind I was getting by cutting it out, it all made sense.

I am in the process of trying to be more present in all of my relationships, not just sexual ones but all of them. I am trying to be more connected with people and porn was a serious hindrance on real connection.

Sex can be a really beautiful thing and I am only now starting to cherish it and see it for the good that it is. For so long I had an unconscious belief that what I wanted was wrong or dirty. It has a lot to do with the way our culture defines sex and the way young people like myself go to great lengths to hide their desires.  This made me unhappy, anxious and unsatisfied with sex for a long time. Sex became a playground for my ego to try and prove itself and the frustration it caused was relentless. I am still very immature in my understanding of sex, love and intimacy but it’s starting to change. Finally.

One last note: using your imagination can be A LOT more fun than porn. It is tough at first, but with practice there are great rewards from it.

Trust me, I just practiced not too long ago ;). (yes, I washed my hands.)

Oh, and about Pterodactyl porn……. There are things in this world that you can’t un-see. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

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