Today I’m gonna try something new,
something that’s never been done before.
I’d like to rhyme and rap a poem or two-
about the brand characters we love and deplore.
So stay with me please as I bring you to your knees
with words that sound so divine.
We’ll explore what these cartoon characters would be like if
we had met them in our own real life.
I’ll start with Mr. Clean, who seems nice and serene,
but something about his perfection tells me
he’s not what he seems.
He would be that roommate,that friend
with the most anal wishes
and will surely give you hell if you
don’t do all the dishes.
He likes to come off like
a cleaning product prophet,
but his tidiness makes me wonder
what bodies are in his closet.
He embodies white perfection, like engineering by Aryan scientists.
Maybe to polish off the details of
the ‘Final Solution’ Hypothesis.
So just sit right there, and explain to me
Because its hard for me to comprehend and see
Why people so willingly will buy with glee
The products of the product of the nazi regime.
As far as Mr. Clean goes, this is the end of my speech,
I hope he doesn’t club me to death with his Magic Reach.
Now, what is the Trix Rabbit but a really bad junkie?
Dropped out of school because his grades were all flunking.
Spends his days getting high
and blaming the kids,
When they are just hallucinations,
they don’t even exist.
No one is stealing your food silly rabbit,
it’s all in your head.
Figments of your imagination, considering your
brains going dead.
His friends try to help him, try to make
his troubled soul calm.
But he can’t stop getting high off that
leprechaun’s Lucky Charms.
Tony the Tiger, solicits saliva,
from the watering mouths of the children
whose parents are buyers.
Understand Tony, his history isn’t trivial
In high school, Tony was the guy whose popularity was empirial,
but soon he realized the world thought his “coolness” was immaterial,
so being broke and homeless, his thoughts turned serial,
His dark life was considered anything but memorial
then he found a job that pays the bills getting kids
to eat cereal.
Confined to selling sugary breakfast
Tony is depressed by the sad life that
I’ll end it here and I don’t mean to be cynical,
But life is up and down, it isn’t always pinnacle
So stay objective and always stay critical
and see when the marketers are trying to feed you shit of bulls.
Geico, Chuck. E. Cheese, Colonel sanders, and Flo
Maybe if im feeling it, I’ll give this rap another go.
But to keep you full and the mental hungering down,
Consider that while reading this, Geico Cavemen raped and pillaged the