So… you just don’t cum? I don’t think I understand’
‘Well, once or twice a month I do, but yea that’s correct, I don’t cum otherwise’
I was quite hesitant to write this post and make it public as I didn’t think I was ready to but I learned an important lesson that I felt I needed to share which I reveal at the end. So read on, you heathens.
A couple months ago I had the privilege of meeting a young man by the name of Jordan. I had just entered into the ‘what the fuck am I going to do after I graduate‘ point in my life and I needed help. A career counselor told me that instead of looking at job listings, I should get in touch with companies and people who inspire me. Try to get a job with them or at least spark a connection.
So I gave it a go. I made my list of people and companies and I went to work emailing them. It took a lot of working up the nerve to email these people but one by one I started. I was very fortunate several times and it was through this discipline that I was given the opportunity to talk to Jordan.
I had been a big fan of his for a while and I read a lot of his work since coming to college. Jordan, only 23 years old had managed to start an online community, a sustainable real world community, a clothing line and several other businesses. Pretty inspiring individual considering he dropped out of college.
And not too long after a Facebook message from him agreeing to a Skype session, I was asking this stranger who I had known for almost 30 minutes why he didn’t ejaculate regularly.
‘It doesn’t drive you crazy? I mean, aren’t you thinking about sex ALL the time? You’re just building up steam and not letting out!’
Our topic of conversation had shifted to a book we both immensely enjoyed: Sex At Dawn, and he mentioned this new habit he was applying to his life. He was practicing non ejaculation during sex and masturbation. Trying to orgasm without actually cumming. I almost considered ending the conversation and never speaking to this lunatic again.
‘I’m more focused than ever and when I am in the mood, I am in the mood just like always. Sex is better than ever too!’
‘So you don’t miss just cumming whenever?’
‘Not really, I’ve been doing it for a year and a half and I don’t miss it at all’
What a weird motherfucker.
I have to admit I was both impressed and confused. Why would anyone want to do that?
‘I feel like Samson. and when I cum, it’s like I am getting my hair cut off and losing my essence. My power’
That simple explanation struck a chord with me but I was still weirded out. Something wasn’t sitting well with me.
Fast forward a couple months and I just can’t seem to get this conversation out of my head. I keep noticing a lack of energy after sex and masturbating. I keep losing motivation and my drive and I fall into this cycle over and over again.
Am I Samson? Am I cutting off my own hair?
I had to ask myself whether I was guilty of a self fulfilling prophecy? I might have been and I might be. I might be quite naive. But I think back to all those times when I would masturbate and my will to do anything would disappear. I remember the feeling of emptiness. I remember losing any and all interest in women after sex. She would want to cuddle and I would just want ‘some time to be with myself right now‘. Maybe it’s not self fulfilling prophecy.
So after some time and general frustration building up, I called up Jordan and he laid out the advice. ‘Ejaculate once or twice a month. But other than that, try to keep it in. During sex, while masturbating, etc… actually masturbating is great practice for it’.
It was time to experiment.
To be honest, I should have done more research from the start. But as per usual with my decision making, I jumped in without checking the waters first.
So after the fact, here are some things I found on the subject while perusing the deep dark corners of the internet.
Apparently when a man ejaculates the body prioritizes replacement of semen in order to be able to inseminate at a moment’s notice, which is an evolutionary advantage. We need our guns loaded! This flow of energy to the genitals means it is taken away from other parts of the body. This explains why we men become tired after sex and ejaculation. Why we lose our motivation. We are literally giving up our life energy. This phenomenon of avoiding ejaculation is common amongst athletes who make it a ritual to avoid sex some time before a big competition. We are not fully there afterwards .
The other benefit besides preserving energy and consciousness is the one we are all after. Women can have multiple orgasms, right? Can men also do that? According to practitioners of non-ejac sex and tantric sex, it’s not only possible, but it is better. In order to understand this, we must understand that we can differentiate between the orgasm experience and the ejaculation experience. If we can differentiate the two, then we can separate them and enjoy orgasm for longer periods of time and you can focus on enjoying your partner and not just racing to the finish.
Despite always pushing myself almost to the point of utter embarrassment, this is a post that I wasn’t sure I was ready to write yet. I mean, who wants to read about me and my weird friend’s ejaculatory patterns? It makes me laugh to think my mother reads my blogs. I pray to god she’ll skip over this one by some chance of fate (if you are reading this mom, thanks for letting me use the internet).
I have just started this exercise, so I do not have as much to report. I wanted to start a dialogue about this habit because I have been getting a lot of flack from concerned male friends and family. I wanted to explain myself a little further. Despite the premature nature of this post (pun intended) the important point I want to make will be coming (PUN) in just a few paragraphs.
The past couple weeks have been filled a lack of balance between euphoria, super high energy, super low energy, a state of peace and a state of utter anxiety. I would be lying if I said that my mind hasn’t been turning off more when I see a sexy girl and like a bull seeing red, all I can think is ‘GIMME GIMME GIMME‘. But am I finding a calm in my sexual frustration and I hope to push this as far as I can.
I don’t know what I will get out of this. I am hoping I can find more peace in my sexuality. I am ultimately hoping for more patience.
Before I explain the major lesson I want to share with you all, I’d like to expand on this idea of immediate gratification.
I have given up many skills and hobbies before because I wasn’t ‘good enough’ soon enough. I’ve quit jobs because I wasn’t successful soon enough. I have forgone relationships with some really amazing girls because it would take too much effort and I did not want to exert myself too much.
I’ve always wanted immediate gratification. And because of this my life has been one short half assed attempt after another. This, I’ve learned, is the fastest way to guarantee you do not succeed in anything.
Last year I joined a network marketing company with my friends. Young and starry eyed as we were, I was prepared to put in work to become successful, to get the brand new company BMW, drop out of school and travel the world making money.
Unfortunately for me, naivety struck me and struck me hard. I didn’t realize that the promises of riches in a couple months from all those promoters of the business were meant as motivation and not as literal promises. I convinced myself it would be a short ride to the top and I was ready to make this quick hike.
The beginning was tough but inspiring. We were all excited. We were ready to make it BIG. And that affected our energy and our essence. People felt that and signed on. I quickly made new friends and burned old bridges with those that disagreed with me. I went as far as cursing out friends over the phone who doubted me and my team.
The road to the top seemed clear but not too long after the start we hit a rough patch. Things seemed bleak and the people I was with lost motivation. I lost motivation because they lost motivation. I felt the first taste of a slow down and it almost made me vomit with self loathing and fear. A couple weeks after wallowing in my own fear and pity, I hung up my boxing gloves. It was too much effort and I didn’t feel up to the fight.
I gave up because I didn’t want to wait. I gave up because I didn’t have the patience to plant the seeds of success that I wanted.
I want to view this new exercise as a discipline to have patience and not rush to get the pay off. To work hard for what I want. To enjoy myself in the process and stay present. And when that pay off finally comes, it will feel all the better because I was able to restrain myself.
Before I share with you the ultimate message that I’d like to say I learned from this, I just want to say that this is the beginning of the journey and I hope to make it one full of learning and growth. The fact that Jordan was able to do this inspires enough belief in me that I can make this work. I am grateful for that. But for now, wish me luck, as this road seems to be a rocky one.
So what is this lesson that I wanted to share with all of you?
OK, so there is no ULTIMATE LESSON I learned from all of this. I wanted to simulate what it’s like to expect and want something and then not get it in the end.
‘Til next time folks.